


Ut

by NoNoNottett



Category: Ylvis
Genre: Fluff and Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 03:43:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15621795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoNoNottett/pseuds/NoNoNottett
Summary: The whole Ylvisåker clan is spending the evening together at Bård's house.





	Ut

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing but gentle humor and extreme fluffiness occurs. Brief mild profanity.

Several times a year, the Ylvisåker parents would come over the mountains from Bergen, usually for a three or four day weekend, and stay with one or the other of their two oldest boys for the duration. It wasn't a problem. In fact, their sons insisted on it. They could certainly afford to put them up a lot easier than their parents could afford hotels each time and it made things so much easier for the grandparents and grandchildren to spend time together. Besides, it often meant Mamma and Pappa got to have an all too infrequent date night.

This weekend was Bård and his family's turn to host not only their parents but also their younger brother Bjarte who had recently moved back to Norway from the Pacific Northwest region of the United States and didn't yet have his own place. They were happy to have them and they had plenty of room, even when Vegard and his family came over for the evening. 

Thirteen people in a house could easily have been too many. Thirteen Ylvisåkers would have certainly been too many for most people outside the family to handle. And there was no denying there was a certain amount of chaos and it was definitely loud, but the loudness came from laughter and play, and lively conversation, so how could you really complain? Isn't that what family get-togethers were supposed to be? 

Vegard, their father and Bjarte were ensconced in the dining room, deep in discussion about something aeronautical. Their dad wasn't that kind of engineer but he had enough knowledge of the sciences to contribute substantially to what was quickly becoming a lively debate between the oldest and youngest brothers. With math. Three men joyfully doing math for the fun of it. 

Bård couldn't get with the concept of recreational mathematics any more than he could force himself to be interested in extremely detailed aeronautical discussions for more than about two minutes. Who was he kidding? A minute and a half, tops. So, the dining room wasn't the place for him. 

Meanwhile, his son and Vegard's two boys, who had built a blanket fort in Jens' room earlier that afternoon, had returned to it. They seemed to be having a fun time playing at something that called for a lot of growling. Blanket forts and group growling were more his style of fun anyway but when he tried to join the boys he was firmly told there was no more room in the polar bear cave. Fine. 

All six of the women, regardless of age, had crowded into Sophie's room for an impromptu pedicure party with a shoebox-full selection of ridiculous polishes at their disposal. Bård tended to pick up bottles of crazy, weird and downright ugly colors of nail polish for his women as gifts when he was away from home; the more outrageous the better. 

He'd started the practice when Maria was near the end of her pregnancy with Sophie and feeling particularly unattractive. He'd bought her a gawdawful ugly lemon-yellow polish with multicolored glitter in it and offered to paint her toes for her. He thought she'd laugh at the color and have some fun with the ludicrousness of it and, in turn, feel a bit better. He forgot that she was unable to see her toes at that point. She reminded him of the fact. Boy, did she remind him of it.

He smiled remembering how he slipped the ugly polish into Maria's hospital bag and then had painted Maria's toes between contractions during the long hours of labor. They managed to get some laughs between the pains and one nurse even asked where she got 'that wonderful polish'. 

He moved down the hall toward Sophie's room. His toenails could do with a trim and if the cost was painted toenails, well, it wouldn’t be the first, or even the tenth time that one of his women, as he liked to think of them, had lacquered him up. Maybe the girls still had some of that glow in the dark polish he had brought back from Seoul. That could be funny. He didn't get far in his request to join them before he was informed in no uncertain terms that the room was a boy-free zone.

Well, _helvete!_ He was being shut out in his own damn house!

~~~~~

Calle knocked loudly on the side door and called out a " _Hallo!_ " as he entered the home in the same manner he'd employed countless times at the family home in Bergen during their schooldays. He quickly slipped off his shoes and hung his coat over the top of another occupying one of the several pegs near the door. Hearing voices coming from the dining room, he headed that way and was met by Hans in the doorway.

The two men shook hands briefly.

"We were sorry to hear about your father."

"Thank you. I, uh, got the note you and Helga sent. That was very thoughtful of you." 

"How are you holding up?"

"Some days better than others, but I'm okay." It was true, but not something he really wanted to talk about so he changed the subject. "Where is everyone?"

"The boys are playing upstairs and the girls are - somewhere - doing, whatever, girl stuff," Bjarte answered with a vague wave of his hand.

Vegard turned to his father. "I hope you are satisfied with your six grandchildren because it doesn't sound like you'll be getting any from him."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly my point," Vegard told him. 

"What?" Bjarte knew his oldest brother was making a joke at his expense, but he'd be damned to know exactly what it was.

"Calle, sit," Hans told him. "What do you know about the Helical Air Screw?"

"Well, I now know there is something called a Helical Air Screw. And I'm guessing it has something to do with airplanes or maybe it's the punchline for a dirty joke?"

"Helicopters, actually. Sort of. Let me explain."

Calle quickly cut Vegard off. "I really should find Bård or Maria; let them know I'm here. Maybe later."

Calle took the stairs two at a time, following the muffled voices he could hear coming from the second floor. The first room he came to was Jens' and he could hear shuffling and thumping from the other side of the door.

Upon opening the door after a light tapping, he found himself facing Vegard's youngest with his arms outstretched and his hands made into claws.

"Grrrrrrrrr! I'm a polar bear and I'm going to eat you up! Grrrrrrrrrrr!" he roared.

"No! Don’t eat me, Mr. Polar Bear!" Calle played along. It wasn't easy since the little guy was just too damn cute and cuddly with his dark floppy curls to pull off 'ferocious polar bear'. As he backed out of the room, using the door as a shield, he called out, "Jens, where's your pappa?"

"We ate him for breakfast! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Vegard's other son informed him.

"Then I better get out of here before you eat me, too!" 

Calle slammed the door and made his way down the hall to where he could hear women's laughter. He pounded hard and repeatedly on the closed door. Maria, Bård's wife, opened it almost immediately.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"You have to save me from the polar bears! They want to eat me!" Calle cried out pointing down toward Jens' room.

That set the group into a new round of laughter, except for Vegard's daughter, who stalked up to him and faced him, fists firmly planted on hips.

"No. Boys. Allowed."

"Emma, manners. Sorry, Calle, but we _were_ having a girls-only visit," Vegard's wife Helene put in.

"It's okay. I understand. I was looking for Bård anyway."

"Try the dining room. I think they were going to play some cards."

" _Nei_ , they were deep in conversation about some, helicopter, thing. No Bård."

"And he's not one of the polar bears, I take it?" Calle shook his head. "He's probably in the music room, then."

"Mamma, he's still here!" Emma protested, sending her older cousins into giggles.

"Emma!"

"Sorry. But if you're hungry, there's some _fårikål_ in the fridge. Help yourself."

~~~~~

Calle found Bård slouching in an overstuffed armchair near his stereo system, headphones on and reading the liner notes in a booklet from a CD he was playing. He still had all his old CDs and a fair amount of old vinyl that he still played from time to time apparently. He gave Bård's chair a gentle kick as he walked by and took the other armchair across from him.

Bård pulled the headphones off and rested them around his neck. "What are you doing here?"

Calle swallowed the tender lamb he'd been chewing. "I had to get out of the house for awhile. Kaja's friend Birgitte came over sobbing about getting dumped by the latest in a long string of ' _the greatest love of my life I will ever have_ ' lowlife guys. If I'd stayed, I would have said something to get me in the doghouse for at least a month. There would have been no way I could avoid it. I do not understand why Kaja is friends with that woman."

"I think every woman has a friend like that at some point in her life. Remember Maria's friend Maren?"

"Maren-. Maren-. Bakkestuen? From high school? With the crazy rainbow stripes in her hair and her tits hanging out." Calle pulled the headphone jack from the stereo so he could hear what Bård had been listening to.

"Niiiice. Are you eating my _fårikål_? I was going to have that for lunch tomorrow."

"Hey, she put them out there for everyone to gawk at. Don't blame horny teenage me for noticing. And don't even try to say you never noticed, either. Whatever happened to her?"

"Moved to some small village in the buttcrack of nowhere. No doubt annoying the hell out of some poor Icelandic bastards.

"So, what's with the old DeLillos CD?"

"Why not? It's a good album."

"Well, if it's going to be Nostalgia Night, you have any Dum Dum Boys?"

"Vegard used to but someone walked off with it at a party. I heard it was you."

Calle thought about it a minute. It was him, now that he thought about it. Though, where it was now was anybody's guess. He pulled a peppercorn off his tongue and dropped it back into the plastic bowl Bård's _fårikål_ was in. It made a little rattling sound as it rolled down the side.

"I heard it was living in the buttcrack of Iceland."

"I can’t believe you took my _fårikål_ ," Bård reiterated watching Calle eating it with relish.

"Let it go, Bård," Calle said, putting the plastic bowl to his lips and tilting it to drink the collected juices.

"Stop rubbing my face in it."

Bård left Calle with no choice. He took another drink of the broth, slurping as loudly as he could and following it up with an even louder burp.

"Asshole."

The two men settled into a companionable silence listening to the music that had been such a part of their teenage years.

Bård sat up and listened intently a few minutes later. "Damn, listen to that riff!"

~~~~~

Later that evening, after all the hats and coats and mittens were put on sleepy children, after all the good-byes, after all the hugs and kisses, Bård and Maria lay in their bed snuggled up.

"Tonight was fun, don't you think?"

"It was, except for Calle's eating the _fårikål_ I was going to have for lunch tomorrow. You know how much better it is the next day and he ruined that for me."

" _Herregud_!" Maria laughed.

"It's not funny. I was really looking forward to that."

"I'll make more before the season ends, don't worry."

"It's not the same."

"Goodnight, Bård."


End file.
